The Definition of Insanity

The truth of the matter is that God makes me uncomfortable. 

For too long I have sought after the loves of this world.

 

I used to dream of being rich. 

 

I tried for so long to learn how to earn man’s empty fickle praise.

 

Even though I know that the world is conditional. 

 

It’s your best friend while it acts like it’s fine without you.  It’s your lover, while at the same time, it’s your enemy. 

It makes promises that it never keeps, and continues to promise that its promises are what’s best for me. 

So I keep coming back for more promises – that never deliver.  If I can obtain this, there is nothing I can’t obtain. 

Why do I desire to manipulate? 

Why do I want something that doesn’t want me?

 

But that’s what I know.  That’s what the world is.  It turns, not for us, but for itself.  It consumes us, spits us out, alone and empty, and waits for us return to consume us again. 

There is comfort in consistency.  Even consistency that harms me.  It’s something I can expect.  Even though I tell myself it will be different this time.

 

Isn’t this insanity?  To keep doing the same thing while expecting a different results.

 

Then I am faced with the reality of God’s love.  I am faced with the truth of what He has done for me.

 

He loves.  He never stops.

 

He accepts.  Without condition.

 

He forgives.  And completely forgets.

I am disoriented. 

 

There is a term used in football when you are blind-sided so badly that both of your feet leave the turf at the same time, upending you on your head.  The point that is underscored here is the fact that you didn’t see it coming.  But then it would just be called blind-sided.  This is when you are swift and sure one moment, and then, suddenly, you are in the air, glimpsing life through your ear hole, in the next.  You might be seeing less, but to be sure, you are aware of so much more.  Your attention is focused. 

 

The term is de-cleated.

 

I am de-cleated.

 

I am shaking, so nervous.  I know He sees my naughty parts.  That’s what they are.  Especially next to Him.  They are all naughty parts.  There is no hiding anything from Him.  In this same moment, there is no more lying to myself.  There is no more confusion.  It scares me all the more.

 

He tells me of His Love. 

He tells me I’m Home. 

He tells me this will always be.

 

Even if I leave.

 

I hear Him.  But I can’t understand it.  I am hearing something I have longed to hear but I am soaked in disbelief. 

I am practiced in the art of bullshit and yet I find none from Him here. 

I shun the truth and I believe the lie.

 

So I run.

 

I run because I feel unworthy.

 

I run because I know no one sees me better.

 

I run because I know I can expect the guilt and the shame the world promises me if I go near Him. 

 

Another promise from the world – and I believe it.

Thanks to this world we have no tangible experience of unconditional love to compare. 

Conditional love leaves us wanting.  It abandons us, pining for more. 

 

But at least there is control.  I can choose who I love.  Can’t I?

 

But I can’t ignore that I am forced into a new kind of awareness.  I have been awakened, if only tiny parts of me at a time.

 

What scares me is that Unconditional Love existed once here in history, and it died prematurely. 

 

Against the rules.

 

It lived against the rules.  So it, too, died.

 

Wouldn’t you think that if there were two loves, one conditional and one unconditional, that the unconditional love would live forever?

 

So if the world has its own set of rules, shouldn’t we all know them by now?  Shouldn’t we have this perfect reincarnated life by now? 

Where is History when we look to it for answers? 

 

Where is Life when we look within?

Then I wonder, maybe life is not all there is to life?

 

Running from God.  Searching For Love.

 

You cannot do both at the same time.